Guest Site By: Rachael Delmar
Body Image Battles and Mother
Body Image Battles and Mother – Getting folks to open up and discuss their experiences, struggles, hopes and aspirations, is just one of the things that we do at Naturist Portal. But in my own opinion, these personal stories are extremely important. When we share our most intimate concerns and encounters we not only begin to cure ourselves but we help others also. In this instance, I reached out to Rachael in the hopes that she would be willing to talk and share with us her own personal battles with body image. As we were reading her post, Felicity asked me why she was willing to show some of her most intimate thoughts and encounters. So we determined to ask her, and here is what she said:
Body Image Battles and Mom
“I do it because I need to feel courageous, like a survivor. I would like others to understand that no matter what, they are never alone and they’ve nothing to be embarrassed of. It took me years to be able to do that. I understand how hard it can be because I had to get to this point alone.”
FKK is not about the “me”, it is about the “us” and “we.” Collectively we can help each other move past those issues that hold us back. The only means we can make an impact is if all of US work collectively to educate individuals how to be more accepting and compassionate. Together we expect to teach folks how to be more tolerant and basically, how to be more human.
Again, sharing personal body image struggles is hard so let’s all show her some support plus some love!
mirror unfriendly you speak conversationally.
mirror mirror they encircle
burning in head
flaming through eyes
the visions cloudy
If someone were watching.
My Mother When She Was 19
That someone never fails to be me, viewing myself through my mother’s eyes. I dream of the day when I can look at my body through the eyes of others who say I am amazing. I recall the very first time I faced my spirit out loud. If anything, my mom did create a warrior.
As I grew, I saw her scream about being fat, starve herself, and berate me for eating too much. She became everything I never wanted to be.
She tortured herself until she reached 98 pounds. A weight that made her lose her hair, and created the psychosis she suffers from now. I could still hear her vomiting a barely touched meal. She’s a phantom in my head whispering into my ear each day. “Don’t heal me. Affliction is my me. My panic was you’d set me free.” – Frederick Seidel
I was too young to comprehend the meaning behind her compulsions. My innocence was lost. She looked at me and saw her child as fat.
It was the beginning of a life that I never desired.
My Mom Today
I ‘ve always vowed never to be like her. http://crazypublic.com became my blood oath. I do finally realize that some things can never release their grasp on your insides.
By the age of 12, I weighed 120 pounds. I used ton’t understand the significance of calories. Exercise was a thing we did in school. As a ‘chubby’ child, this was a moment I dreaded each and every day. I was surrounded by girls I envied in manners that knew no bounds. I never longed for their high-priced clothes or the ability to catch the sons. I only yearned for their bodies.
As the years went by, I grew into a more womanly’ body. Yet, I could never erase her voice in my own head.
By graduation, I was on a mission to become my own girl. I wanted, desired, to emancipate myself from her grasp on my spirit. I was so worried about such a pointless ideal, that I didn’t locate myself on the road to graduating college. After all, this was the one target she didn’t instill in me.
So I ran from her and from myself. I trained myself to exude confidence that most times I didn’t feel.
I continued this marathon until the age of 21. I believed when I could metaphorically run, I could kill the pavement together with my mom’s problems.
I still recall the day I ran 3 miles without stopping; the time I raced to 9 when my grandfather died.
Endorphins became my drug of choice. My weapon. Yoga became my meditation, the flow was like sex. The fitness center was my safe haven.
I started modeling both clothed and bare. A visual to actually attempt to see what I looked like, through other’s eyes, not my own or hers. I began taking courses on nutrition and psychology. I still possess the textbooks. I refer to them as if they are my bibles after I believe I ‘m on a downward spiral.
Here is where I found my power and control.
I made everything a burn of http://x-pot.com .
I became obsessed.
..still looking in the mirror, scales my enemy.
Not listening to anyone, before year, I ‘ve gotten down to 107 at 5’6″. I don’t know the meaning of overly lanky. I only understand the things that haunt me.
My fight is a day-to-day curse every single day. Instead of starving myself, I try and attempt to be healthy. My only lesson will be to try and embrace her and what she made of me. Like the warrior she made of me, I am starting to own my body in the right manner.
I know I’ll never be free. Yet it really is like a continuous fire under my butt. It ignites me to fight and not cease. Most of all to never give up.
I now own my muscles at the proud weight of 120. Back to where I started at age 12. The irony is not lost on me. 😉
Rachael Delmar – I’m Empowered!
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Guest Site By: Rachael Delmar