Body Image Battles and Seeing Myself Through My Mother’s Eyes

Guest Website By: Rachael Delmar
Body Image Battles and Mother
Body Image Battles and Mother – Getting folks to open up and share their experiences, struggles, hopes and aspirations, is just one of the things that we do at Nudist Portal. But in my own opinion, these personal stories are incredibly important. When we discuss our most intimate fears and encounters we not only begin to treat ourselves but we help others as well. In this instance, I reached out to Rachael in the hopes that she would be willing to discuss and share with us her own personal battles with body image. As we were reading her post, Felicity asked me why she was willing to reveal some of her most intimate thoughts and experiences. So we decided to ask her, and here is what she said:
Body Image Challenges and Mom
“I do it because I want to feel courageous, like a survivor. I’d like others to know that no matter what, they are never alone and they have nothing to be embarrassed of. It took me years in order to do that. I know how difficult it can be because I had to get for this point alone.”
FKK is not about the “me”, it’s about the “us” and “we.” Together we can help each other move past those problems that hold us back. The only means we can make an impact is if all of US work collectively to teach people how to be more accepting and compassionate. Collectively we hope to educate folks how to be more tolerant and essentially, how to be more human.
Again, sharing personal body image battles is tough so let’s all show her some support and some love!
mirror un-friendly you speak conversationally.
mirror mirror they surround
showing distortions
burning in head
the visions cloudy
If someone were seeing.
My Mommy When She Was 19
That someone never fails to be me, viewing myself through my mother’s eyes. I recall the very first time I faced my soul out loud. If anything, my mom did create .
As I grew, I saw her scream about being fat, starve herself, and berate me for eating too much. She became everything I never needed to be.
She tortured herself until she reached 98 pounds. I can still hear her vomiting a just touched meal. She is a ghost in my head whispering into my ear each day. “Do not heal me. Ailment is my me. My panic was you had set me free.” – Frederick Seidel
I was too young to understand the significance behind her compulsions. My innocence was lost. She looked at me and saw her child as fat.
This is the beginning of a life that I never needed.
My Mom Today
I ‘ve always vowed never to be like her. It became my blood oath. I do eventually understand that some things cannot release their grip on your own insides.
By the age of 12, I weighed 120 pounds. I didn’t understand the meaning of calories. Exercise was a thing we did in school. As a ‘chubby’ child, this was a moment I dreaded each and every day. I was surrounded by girls I envied in manners that knew no bounds. I never longed for their high-priced clothing or the skill to catch the sons. I only yearned for their bodies.
Yet, I could never erase her voice in my head.
I wanted, needed, to emancipate myself from her grasp on my soul. I was so concerned about this type of pointless ideal, that I did not locate myself on the road to graduating college. In the end, this was the one target she didn’t instill in me.
So I ran from her and from myself. I trained myself to exude self-confidence that most times I didn’t feel.
I thought when I could metaphorically run, I could kill the sidewalk as well as my mum’s issues.
I still remember the day I ran 3 miles without stopping; the time I raced to 9 when my grandfather died.
My weapon. The gym was my safe haven.
I began modeling both clothed and bare. I started taking courses on nutrition and psychology. I still possess . I refer to them as if they’re my bibles once I believe I am on a downward spiral.
Here is where I found my power and control.
I became obsessed.
..still looking in the mirror, scales my enemy.
Not listening to anyone, previously year, I ‘ve gotten down to 107 at 5’6″. I don’t understand the meaning of overly scraggy. I just know the things that haunt me.
My fight is a daily hex every single day. Instead of starving myself, I try and attempt to be healthy. My only lesson is always to try to embrace her and what she made of me. Like the warrior she made of me, I ‘m starting to possess my body in the appropriate manner.
I understand I will never be free. Yet it is like a perpetual fire under my ass. It ignites me to fight and not stop. Most of all to never give up.
I now own my muscles at the proud weight of 120. Back to where I began at age 12. The irony is not lost on me. 😉
Rachael Delmar – I Am Empowered!
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